Roland Emmerich's new disaster Film follows on from The Day After Tomorrow, a film that got us all re-cycling and turning our thermostats down...
In 2009, a whole three convenient years before the oncoming global disaster, a young American Astrophysists travels to India to meet an Indian Astrophysist (who also used to be Eastenders) who shows him the world is going to end because some underground water is boiling up without a tea pot in sight. Cue the next three years showing politicians acting shady with rich folk in-between claiming expenses from the public.
In 2012, John Cusack plays a writer (moonlighting as a limo driver) who conveniently takes his kids on a holiday to Yellowstone Park to go camping where they going on some motley trespassing to and meet said American astrophysist who conveniently is only one of 500 people to read Cusack’s only book (about the end of the world) and turns out to be a fan. Cusack then meets Woody Harrelsons crack pot conspiracy theorist who knows the world is going to end, but Cusack doesn't take him seriously because he's clearly bonkers (but he just thinks he's free).
Meanwhile, in Vegas, a big fat Russian bloke gets a text saying "Get your ass here, world about to end" or something similar. Blokey then does runner. Back to Cusack dropping the kids off back with ex wife and her new live-in-lipo-sucking-surgeon lover, before going to work to pick up to fat children who conveniently turn out to be fat Russian blokes spawns of Satan. After dropping a suitcase on fat kid alpha, it’s revealed to Cusack by fat kid that the jokes on him and he's going to die because the world is going to end. Cusack realizes everything crazy Woody in the wood said is true and rushes to save kids just as a massive earthquake hits San Francisco. After a thrill minute death ride Cusack and family in tow return to air port to find the pilot who Cusack paid to fly them to safety with a knock of Rolex is dead (how inconvenient) but the keys are in his hand! And bastard face wife’s new squeeze is training to be a pilot! How massively convenient!
Off they fly as San Francisco falls in to the ground, thanks to some piloting that would make the red arrows swoon, before landing back in Yellowstone to get a map showing where they can survive the end of the world. This time they have to outrun a volcano (its almost like fate doesn’t want them to live!). They then travel to Vegas to find someone crazy enough to fly to China, where they bump into fat Russian bloke and his entourage. Infect, Russian blokes concubine knows bastard surgeon because he fixed her tits. Wahey! Seven degree of separation or what! They have a plane, but no co-pilot, where as Cusack and Co. have a pilot but no plane! C to the O to the N to the you get the picture.
Off the fly toChina but round about Hawaii they run out of fuel and have to make an emergency landing into the sea...OF DEATH. Conveniently the world has gone silly on its axis and shifted a couple of thousand miles, meaning China has become a lot closer. Better still after crash landing they are only a few miles from salvation. Result!
After being intercepted by the Chinese government who take fat Russian and kids with them because they have tickets, Cusack and friends get picked up by a travelling Buddhist and his family whose brother has been building Arks (is there anything those Chinese can't build!) for people with a few spare billions to pay to get a seat on board. They all then sneak off to stowaway on the arks but through their stupidness, accidently break the arks door seals, meaning the ark won’t work properly. In the confusion of water and rich people screaming, Bastard surgeon gets killed in a massive mechanism (how convenient for Cusack) before said mechanism gets jammed and jammed (inconvenient). Cusack however, proves freezing Atlantic water is no match for the human spirit and an excitable 11 year old and he wrestles the offending article free, saving the lives of everyone on board (who he actually put in danger in the first place trying to get a free ride). They all the float off into the sunset and live happy ever after, Cusack gets his wife back and a 1/100 of the earth’s population live on. How convenient for them.
There are some other subplots, a love story between the astrophysist and the president's daughter and how most politicians are bastards, but I won’t go into it, it wasn’t convenient for this entries structure.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
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